5 Ways to Become a Skilled LGBTQ+ Advocate

Each week, Karen Catlin shares five simple actions to create a more inclusive workplace and be a better ally.

Because I’m on vacation this week, I invited my friend Jeannie Gainsburg to write today’s article. Below, you’ll read about five strategies for showing up as an ally for LGBTQ+ coworkers and clients, based on her book, The Savvy Ally: A Guide for Becoming a Skilled LGBTQ+ Advocate. I’m a big fan of Jeannie’s approach and her book. I’ve learned so much from her, and I’m excited to share her wisdom with you. –Karen

1. Know how to mess up properly

With LGBTQ+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, plus so much more!) terms, identities, and cultural norms constantly changing, it’s difficult for allies to keep up. We may feel intimidated by all the changes and silenced by the fear that we’ll accidentally say or do something offensive. We probably will. We all do. Knowing what to do after we’ve messed up is key for being a great ally to any marginalized community.

So, let’s look closely at how to mess up properly after we’ve accidentally misgendered someone by using the wrong name or pronoun. Typically, when we do this, we tend to feel terrible. This can lead to a situation where we end up over-apologizing. Here’s the problem with that. Even though apologizing profusely may make us feel better, it’s likely to make the person we messed up with feel worse. It will draw a lot of attention to the blunder. It can also pull the focus of the conversation on to us and how badly we feel. Then we can end up in situations where the person we messed up with is trying to make usfeel better. Awkward! So, a quick, “I’m sorry,” is great.

Simply saying, “thank you” after someone corrects us, is also a good response. That way we’re not forcing the person we misgendered into a situation where they feel like they have to say, “It’s okay.” Either way, just keep it simple and move on — but do put in the work to get it right the next time.

Want to know the best way to respond if someone calls you out? Check out Getting Called Out: How to Apologize, a video by Franchesca Ramsey.

2. Get it right the next time

After we’ve messed up someone’s name or pronoun, we need to do the work to get it right the next time. Here are a few tips that can help.

• Try again right away. If you’re still in a conversation with the person you messed up with, make a point of using their correct pronoun or name right away. This can help to cement the correct pronoun or name in your brain and it also shows that you’re actively working to get it right.
• Practice in your head. Running what you’re about to say through your head before it comes out of your mouth can be a very successful strategy for fixing errors.
• Write it down. Write down the person’s correct name and pronoun where you’re likely to see it often. So, for example, I might write, “Jo (they/them),” in my daily calendar.
• Add pronouns to your phone contacts. This way whenever the person calls or texts, their pronouns will pop up with their name.

Having trouble embracing they as a pronoun for a single person? Watch What’s Up with Singular They? from Savvy Ally Action.

3. Ask everyone how you should refer to them

Regardless of whether someone is part of the LGBTQ+ communities or not, asking everyone how they would like to be addressed and how to pronounce their name is a great way to make everyone feel included and respected. This also takes the awkwardness out of singling someone out and having to ask them for this information directly.

Develop systems where everyone is being given the opportunity to share their information if they’d like to. For example, in your workplace, you can create a staff list that includes:

• Which honorifics should be used when referring to a colleague professionally (e.g., “Ms Gainsburg”)
• How each employee would like to be addressed casually (e.g., “Jeannie”)
• How names are pronounced (e.g., “GEE-knee”)
• Which pronouns each employee uses for themselves (e.g., she/her/hers)

Add questions about how people would like to be addressed to your intake forms, so you also know how to address your clients.

4. Ungender your dress code

Dress codes should regulate attire, not people. A simple and quick way to update your workplace dress code policies to make them more inclusive is to remove all gendered terms from the descriptions. For example, change “black slacks for men/black skirts for women” to “employees must wear either black slacks or a black skirt.” Easy-peasy!

Once your dress code policies have been updated, send the revised version to all employees along with a statement of inclusion. This will let your employees know that you welcome everyone to bring their authentic selves at work.

5. Move beyond the “M” and “F” boxes on your forms

When LGBTQ+ people don’t see themselves or their relationships represented on forms, they are less likely to trust the agencies that have created those forms. They may worry that the staff at these agencies won’t be respectful or open to their identities and relationships.

There are lots of ways to make your forms more LGBTQ+ inclusive. One way is to move beyond the standard “M” and “F” boxes. These two choices are problematic for several reasons. Firstly, for some people, it’s unclear what is being asked. Are people being asked for their biological sex, their sex assigned to them at birth, or their gender? For some people these all align, but for others they don’t. Which box should a transgender person check? How about an intersex person? How about a nonbinary person?

Another problem with using the standard “M” and “F” boxes is that they are probably not getting you the information you need. As we revise our forms to make them more LGBTQ+ inclusive, we should think about what we really need to know. For example, if we’re creating forms for a theater company, do we really need to know someone’s sex or gender? Or do we just need to know how to address our communications when we send our season brochure and tickets?

If you do need to know someone’s sex and/or gender, allow clients to fill in their answers rather than check multiple-choice boxes, whenever possible. For example, you might ask, “What’s your gender?” If you must use multiple-choice boxes, make sure you have a boxed option for folks who aren’t represented on your forms. For example: “man,” “woman,” and “a gender not listed here.” “A gender not listed here” is generally received better than “other.”

For more information on creating LGBTQ+ inclusive forms, check out this article, How to Collect User Data on Gender Identity — and When Not to by Stephen Gossett.

That’s all for this week. Many, many thanks to Jeannie for writing this week’s article, and I’ll be back next Friday.

— Karen Catlin, Author of Better Allies®

Copyright © 2021 Karen Catlin. All rights reserved.

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